Taking Thoughts Captive

How many times do we allow negative things to control our thoughts and then influence our actions? just the other day, Lindsey decided she wanted to play with playdoh, blow bubbles, water the garden and paint. All at the same time. Now to you that might seem trivial but to me I was overwhelmed by her surge of energy and found myself feeling grumpy. On other days it may be she acts out and does not listen that will send me into the land of scowls and sighs. Granted sometimes feelings of frustration are warranted when she doesn't listen even though I have asked what feels like a million times. Yet is it really worth it to allow those feelings to hold me hostage all day? No it isn't. It wastes a day of playing and enjoying life and replaces it with a short temper and looking forward to the next day.

I have recently been reading Max Lucado's Just Like Jesus and something he wrote really stayed with me. In one of the chapter he said, "This is not your house. You do not have the right to let in everyone who wants to enter. Anger, pride, revenge, pity, lust, etc." Proverbs 4:23 tells us "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

When we allow those thoughts to creep into our mind we fall into temptation. Our bodies, including our minds, belong to Jesus. He bought them with a price, his blood. We are to take those thoughts captive and release them back out after we have prayed through them. I am well aware that it sounds easier than it is but it can be done. Jesus gives us ample instruction on how to capture all thoughts and submit them back to Christ. If we ask, he will let us know if it is worth staying in our mind or if we need to get rid of it. 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (NIV, emphasis mine). 

Even Jesus himself knew the temptation of letting certain thoughts enter the mind. When he predicted his death to his disciples in Matthew 16, Peter told him that could never happen. He did not think the death of Christ was necessary. Jesus on the other hand told him, "Get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men" (Matt 16:23 NIV).  Christ knew at that moment Satan was trying to infiltrate his thoughts. Then for forty days he was tempted by the devil. We are only given a few examples but scripture says he was tempted for forty days. However, he was armed with scripture and able to not fall into temptation, just as we must be (Matt 4). 

Now back to that day I was grouchy for really no apparent reason. What did I do? I could have stayed in a bad mood all day, but really who wants to do that? I prayed earnestly. I prayed for the Lord to fill my heart with peace and the Spirit to remove the feelings placed there by the enemy. And wouldn't you know, I felt better! I cannot express this enough, there is POWER in PRAYER. I believe that as much as I believe there is air that I breathe. The Lord wants us to come to Him with anything and everything. He promises to listen to us and to never leave us. What an amazing promise that is. 

I pray for you dear friend. That in times of struggle with your thoughts and emotions, you turn to God. You let him filter your mind and fill your heart with the fruits of the Spirit, not the poison of the enemy. We have to constantly be mindful of what we think, for what we think becomes actions. Our Lord conquered all the same thoughts we feel at times. We can rest assured our holy redeemer is mighty to save, always.

Can we just take a minute and chat?

Is it really already the middle of February? Is my baby girl really going to be two next week?? 2014 please slow down just for a second. This mama needs a chance to catch her breath.

Some big things going on in my life recently! I was offered admission into the Honors College at UNCG! This is huge. I got an email saying they were taking applications but I just brushed it off. I figured there was no way I would ever get accepted so why bother trying. Then a day later in the mail I received this letter:

I did not even apply they just offered me admission. Holy amazing. Thank you sweet Jesus for always keeping me motivated and giving me strength. It’s only through you I have achieved all that I have.

Another big thing in my life: I am giving up my diet coke addiction COLD TURKEY. I have been getting constant headaches for the longest time. I thought it was just part of having a toddler. However, recently I have been really paying attention to the additives and GMO’s I’ve been consuming and it seems aspartame is the culprit of my headaches. I narrowed it down to that after I cut out diet coke and then had a crystal light packet in my water. Instant headache. I googled the ingredients in Crystal light and wouldn’t ya know aspartame is on there. No more diet anything for this girl. I’ve been replacing it with this amazing green and white mint tea from Trader Joes. I drink copious amount of water through the day and like to have something else with my meals. Breakfast I have coffee and lunch and dinner I would have a diet coke. Not anymore and I feel a lot better.

Can we talk about how much my girl loves The Wizard of Oz? She has become literally obsessed. She asks for “witch” constantly. Hopefully she doesn’t do it outside the house because sometimes witch sounds like, well that other word that rhymes.

Girlfriend has some awesome headphones

 But anyway, she will sit so insanely still the whole time. She has even started singing along which just makes my heart of stone melt like ice cream on a hot summer day. She has so much personality wrapped up in such a little girl. I love it! She also only has 2 teeth left to break through! The top molars are giving her real issues though. Terrible sleeping patterns, hit or miss with eating, and only sleeps well when snuggled up next to mommy.

She is also quite the bed hog :)

 I don’t mind the snuggles. I know one day they wont be here. I just wish she wasn’t in pain. I can tell when they are really bothering her because she just is so out of whack. She went like two straight weeks without a nap. I thought we both were going to jump out the windows with frustration. She’s back to napping thank goodness!

My church has started a 40 Day Devotion called “God’s Story, My Story.” 

Its great so far. I love growing closer to God especially as a congregation. The church actually wrote the devotion. It focuses on how God uses our story for His glory. Regardless of your past, God can use everything to his glory. The stories in her are of amazing transformation and God working in people's lives.  Once a week we meet with our small groups for deeper devotion. Going with that I have decided to cut out pretty much all processed foods. I want to focus more on my relationship with Christ and getting on a deeper level with Him. I have been reading Made to Crave by Lysa Turkurst and it is really changing the way I am relating food to my relationship with Christ. I plan on doing a full review once I’m done. The main point is that yes God made us to crave so that we would always want more of Him. However, the devil uses the craving to push us further from him and towards unhealthy food, sexual immorality, gambling, drugs etc. Its really opened my eyes to how much the devil really prowls waiting to jump on God’s children. Lots of prayer. Lots of prayer. Lots of prayer!!!

Well with all the snow coming our way it is time to bunker down for the snowpocalypse. 

Stay warm my friends

xoxo

Today is a Gift

Dear mama:

I wont always cry when you leave the room, or beg to sit on your lap during dinner.

I wont always want to color on every inch of our house or drop goldfish crumbs wherever I go.

I wont always throw tantrums in the grocery store or fight my sleep until we are both worn out.

I wont always want to watch the same show or ask you to play with me.

I wont always want to wear your shoes or ask for your lipstick.

I wont always ask for a cookie for breakfast or hardly eat any dinner.

I wont always want to drink your coffee first thing in the morning or ask you to read the same book over and over again.

I wont always want to snuggle in your bed or get tangled in my covers.

I wont always want you to take me to the park or go down the slide a hundred times.

I wont always want to color on every inch of our house or drop goldfish crumbs wherever I go.

Take heart mama for these days will go as quick as they came. Remember I am still a baby learning my way in this world. I depend on you to guide me and teach me. Be patient with my never ending questions and remember these moments for one day they will be gone.

Remember today is a gift and to enjoy every inch of it. 

The Truth

I have been wondering why it has been so hard for me to blog lately. Well actually all of 2013 I really struggled with sitting down and doing it. Yes I was busy but I know I had time. There had to be more to it. The other day as I was compiling my Christmas post it dawned on me. I hesitate to blog because I assume my life is inadequate for people to want to see.

I dont have a fancy camera.

I live with my parents and am raising my daughter on my own.

I am still waiting on the happily ever after.

I dont have the faith maturity to give sound advice.

I am still working to earn my degree after being in college since I was 17. Im 23 now.

I am not as creative as other people are.

I dont cook nearly as often as I used to.

My writing is not as eloquent or witty as other blogs I read.

This list could go on and on. I have been so caught up in what I don't have that I have forgotten what I do have. I found it hard to blog because I was constantly comparing myself to other bloggers who seemed to have more in life. I always ended up wanting more in my own life. Yet while I was editing my Christmas post I felt a huge sense of gratitude and gratefulness that my heart has been lacking. 2013 was a really hard year emotionally for me. My life was not in the place I wanted it to be or thought it should have been. I faced many hard days and struggled with my spiritual thirst. All of those material things I listed do not define me as a person. The only thing that can keep my content is my spiritual faith and relationship with God.

My pastor did a sermon a few months ago on spiritual thirst. The story of the samaritan woman in John 4 is one I can identify with. The woman has been fulfilling her needs with husbands to define and quench her spiritual thirst. Jesus tells the woman "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" John 4:13-14. After speaking more with Jesus, John writes that the Samaritan woman left her water jug to tell the people in the town of her encounter with the Christ (John 4:28). To me, her leaving the jug symbolized her leaving all of her shame and guilt from the past with it.

There have been times I have tried to quench my thirst with earthly things. However, when they are gone I am thirsty yet again. It isnt until I ask for God to fill me with his spirit, does my soul feel full. It is a daily process of spending time with God and in his presence that I feel close to him and my need for fulfillment by the earths standards is diminished.

So no I do not have all those things I listed above. But I have much more in my heart of hearts. What I have cannot be measured by others or society's measure of wealth. I have a relationship with my Lord and Savior and that to me is so much more. I now look at my life with an extreme amount of blessing and gratitude. The Lord has blessed me with far more than I deserve and I thank him everyday for that. I think it will be easier for me to be more honest and open with my life on here now that I am aware of my problem. I look back at my posts in 2012 and a lot of them were forced by someone who was trying to portray her life as happily ever after. It couldn't have been further from the truth. So now that is my sob story. But its the truth and what is life is you don't tell the truth?

A Little This A Little That

Since Lindsey has been born there has not been one stage I have been anxious to get through. I didnt mind being up every three hours nursing, I didnt mind her having days and nights confused and I loved her starting to talk. I never pushed her to crawl, walk, roll, sleep through the night, etc. However, I am SO OVER this teething nonsense. AH! It hits like a tidal wave and suddenly shes up all night and doesnt want to eat.

I posted all about how I survive teething here but I have to say, I have stopped using the Hylands teething tablets after seeing them being recalled for causing seizures. Scary! We have been up all night for the past 4 nights, and lets just say this momma is tired! I am soo thankful for my family. My mom has been really great and getting up with her in the wee hours so I can get in a quick 2 hours and my grandma has been watching her in the afternoon so I can take a cat nap. I dont know what I would do without them especially since I am in summer school.

She is super precious though and I wouldnt trade her for anything. Even a full 6 hours of sleep.

In other news: our family bought a new Toyota Rav 4!! Yay us!! We traded in my moms truck for this baby. Itll be so great when we get to NC and have to drive in snow.

I have been wanting a quick an delicious lunch and egg salad has been first on my mind. This version has no mayonnaise and I skipped the bread and used pretzel chips instead. Delish and healthy and completely Dukan!

Healthy Egg Salad

Serves 4

- 8 hardboiled eggs 

- 3 TBSP plain non fat greek yogurt

- 1 TBSP spicy brown mustard

- Salt and pepper

- dash of paprika

I throw the eggs in a pot and cover with water. I then add a dash of salt, this will tell me if there are any bad eggs because they will float to the top. Then I stick them on the stove and crank the heat to high. I set the timer for 20 minutes and leave them alone. Once they are done, I run them under cold water and stick them in the fridge to cool. Once cooled, I peel them all, slice them in half and place them in a large bowl. I add the yogurt, mustard and spices and adjust accordingly. Remember, you can always add more but cannot take out! Then I dig in with a handful of pretzel chips! Yuuummm :)

I leave you with this thought: You will never know what God can do in your life unless you give him the chance to lead it.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 5:3

From the Heart

I love cooking for my family. It is something that gives me such joy and purpose in life. Watching their eyes light up and their mouths begin to water makes all the work I put into it worth it. This meal did all those things and more. It is so nice to cook for those you love and actually feel appreciated. Such a wonderful feeling. I do not cook every night. Luckily my mom in an excellent cook and she enjoys it just as much as I do! It is a big help because there are days where I am much too exhausted from doing school work, house work and not to mention a mom all day, the last thing I feel like doing is cooking. But alas, some days I look forward to that meal I will be preparing. And I am known to go all out :) These shells are so delicious they would make any pasta-hater change their mind. The filling is cheesy but light and complimented by a wonderful array of italian herbs. The sauce is hearty and meaty and balances out the light shells.

Three Cheese and Spinach Stuffed Shells in a Hearty Meat Sauce
Serves 6-8
- 16 ox box of Jumbo Shells
- 2 24 oz jars of tomato pasta sauce (I use Prego)
- 2 16 ox packages of italian sausage (could use breakfast sausage)
- 30 oz skim ricotta cheese
- 1 cup grated mozzarella
- 1 cup grated parmesan
- 1 egg
- 1 package of frozen spinach, thawed with the excess water squeezed out
- 4 TBSP dried basil, divided
- 3 TBSP dried garlic powder, divided
- 3 TBSP italian seasoning, divided
- 2 TBSP onion powder
- 2 tsp chili flake
- 8-10 slices fresh mozzarella
- salt and pepper

Heat a large pot of water over high heat and season well with salt. This is the only chance you have to season your shells. While that is heating, cook your sausage over medium high heat then drain the excess oil from the pan. Return to pan and add the 2 jars of tomato sauce as well as half the basil, garlic powder and italian seasoning and all of the onion and chili flake. Season well with salt and pepper, give a stir to combine and bring to a simmer. Add the shells to the boiling water and cook only half the time directed on the box. You want these very al dente because they will finish in the oven. Heat your oven to 350 and mix the 3 cheeses (minus the sliced mozzarella), egg, remaining spices and spinach. Once your shells are cooked, drain and rinse with cool water. They will be very hot and may need a minute to cool before filling. Spoon enough sauce in a 13X9 pan to cover the bottom. Spoon a small amount of the filling into the shell and place seam side down in the pan. Try not to over fill your shells. Once your pan is full of stuffed shells, spoon the rest of the sauce on top of the shells and cover with the fresh mozzarella slices. You could use shredded or grated parmesan as well but the fresh mozz is soo good. Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes until cheese is nice and bubbly!

We enjoyed these amazing shells with a simple spinach salad with craisins, almonds and hardboiled egg.

I adore when food looks pretty!

We finished the evening with dessert and Grease. 

These boston cream pie cupcakes are to die for! They are insanely decadent and incredibly delicious. They are quite time consuming though so I think next time I will try my hand at a whole cake :)

I adore family time <3

Happy Birthday!

My best friend Brooke celebrated her 23rd birthday this week! A group of us girls plus the baby went out to dinner then after i dropped off the baby out for drinks. We has so much fun :) Me and Brooke have been friends for a few years now and she is such an awesome person. Our friendship is so hard to even describe. We connect on a different level than many people and our friendship is so strong. She loves life and is beginning to love God as well. She comes every week to my house with a few other girls for bible study and I really can see the word of God just breathing life into her. Its an amazing sight and I am so excited for her!

Lindsey just ADORES her auntie brooke :)

Some of my very best friends. I will so heart broken to say goodbye to them.

I love you best friend <3

Me and the princess doing our birthday shopping. She is my favorite shopping partner. 

Hope everyone is having an amazing week!

Lets get light

Heres a piece of exciting news: Our family will be moving to North Carolina this August! Woohoo! My brother was accepted into a music conservatory and I will be reentering the University world after attending community college for far too long. The choices were between New York, Indiana, Michigan and Detroit. After many prayers and waiting we decided North Carolina would be the best choice over all for everyone in the family. We are so excited to start this new chapter of our lives!

Isn't that gorgeous!! Ah I can hardly wait! 

Anyway back to what we all love: FOOD!

I love making one day out of the week completely meatless. Usually its monday because the weekends are generally splurge city. My step dad was traveling and my brother was housesitting so this meal was perfect for just me and my mom. Especially since they would have hated that I replaced the meat with a mushroom. But take heart you meat eaters! You will NOT miss the meat! The portobello mushroom gives the perfect amount of meatyness (I make up words as I go) without the fat and grease that accompanies a real burger. The pesto and roasted red pepper add perfect touches of smoky and fresh taste. Oh and the side? TO DIE FOR! I have never had savory roasted sweet potatoes but my oh my I may never go back! The sweet potatoes are fresh and slightly sweet that the rosemary and garlic roast together in perfect harmony. I beg you to try this dish! Your taste buds will be dancing a happy dance :)

Portobello Burgers with Pesto and Roasted Red Peppers

Serves 4

- 4 portobello caps with the brown scales inside cleaned out and the caps cleaned with a damp paper towel
- 2 roasted red peppers cut in half (I just use a jar from Trader Joes)
- Jar of premade basil pesto
- 4 whole wheat buns
- sea salt and pepper
- olive oil

Heat a grill pan to high. Give your mushroom caps a nice rub down with olive oil and sea salt. Once your grill is hot add the caps. Then DO NOT TOUCH! They will take about 4 minutes a side depending on the size. Trust me when I say they will let you know when they are ready. They will release when ready to flip so don't try and pull them off. You will be sad. Heat your buns anyway you like. I put them in the oven at 400 for a few minutes to get them lightly toasted. Now assemble! Bun, mushroom, red pepper, basil pesto on top bun. THATS ALL! Healthy can be fast I promise :)

Savory Roasted Sweet Potatoes with Rosemary, Garlic and Parmesan Cheese

Serves 4
- 3 Large sweet potatoes peeled and diced about an inch thick
- 2 TBSP dried rosemary
- 2 TBSP dried garlic powder
- sprinkle of grated parmesan cheese
- 1/4 cup olive oil
- Salt and pepper

Preheat your oven to 400. Prep your potatoes and throw in a gallon freezer bag. This will make sure all the spices and oil are evenly distributed. Easiest way I swear! Add oil and spices and give a good shake. Spread evenly on a baking sheet. Now this is when I go in and add a little more of all the spices just to make sure all the potatoes are seasoned. Bake for 30-40 min. I like mine a bit crunchy so I leave them in for a little longer. You just want them to be fork tender. About the last 5 minutes or so give them a nice sprinkle of parmesan cheese. Scrumptious!

What doesnt kill you Part 2

Throughout the 2 years I was with him, I learned a lot about myself and what I deserve.

1. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.
To say I was tolerated is putting it nicely. He never told me I was pretty or laughed at my jokes. He always called me crazy and used me as the butt of his jokes around his friends. Throughout this experience I now know I will never have that again. The Lord made me exactly who I am and has made someone perfect for me out there.

2. You are the daughter of an almighty King.
My faith is the only thing that kept me alive. I always knew God but after I had Lindsey I finally began a relationship with God. People ask how I am so strong and how I handled living like that for so long. The answer is simple: God. He never left me, not even once. I prayed continuously for God to change my circumstances or show me the way out. After months of prayers, he answered them. It was my time to leave and I knew in my heart God was telling me to go. The Lord never wants his children to be unhappy. My God is much bigger than my circumstances and will fight for me until the end.

3. Being alone is better than being around people who make you wish you were. 
I heard this saying soon after I settled back in Arizona and I can really relate. I think it speaks for itself.

4. Give your heart to God and he will place it in the hands of a man who deserves it.
This one could not be more true. I truly believe in my heart that God has a person who will give as much as they take. They will love me for who I am through and through. When you walk with God he leads you to a much better life than you could have ever dreamed of.

I also have a few personal standards for when I get back into the dating world. Even though the past 2 years were very challenging and difficult, I would not change a single decision I have made. Meeting him, brought me Lindsey. She has changed my life for the better in every single way. I put her needs first and foremost ALWAYS. Being a parent is not a part time job, or whenever you feel like it. She has motivated me in every aspect of my life. I even made the deans list last semester all while taking care of her by myself. Having Lindsey also brought me into the arms of my God. He has lifted the hurt and anguish from my heart. I would be a very depressed person right now if I didn't have my faith. Everything works out for a reason. And now for the first time in a long time, I can breathe easy. I am stronger than you ever gave me credit for. And now I can have the life I deserve and was destined for.

  So thanks for making me a fighter.

What doesn't kill you Part 1

This post has been really hard for me to write. I've started it over and over again; deleting after every attempt. This is something I will want to have to look back on. To remind myself how far I have come.

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. Verbally, emotionally and physically. I was shoved against the wall, had my phone taken when I tried to call for help, I was pushed up against the wall and choked. I was verbally abusive I mean being called every terrible name you could never even think to call another person. Along with those names I was told I would never amount to anything and that my daughter would be taken away from me if I ever tried to leave. Generally these interactions occurred after alcohol had been consumed. He would come home after a night out. Normally I would already be in bed bracing myself not knowing what would happen when that door opened. In the morning he would usually not even remember what had been said. If I told him he would laugh give me a half hearted sorry and go about his day. Not me though. Those words cut like a knife and I began to find myself in my own personal hell. Scared to leave and scared to stay.

People always ask me "what even attracted you to him in the first place?" It's important to clarify that these out bursts didn't begin until I was pregnant. When we first met I thought I had finally found the one. He was kind and charming and soft spoken. I had been through my share of dating and they all turned out to be jerks. It was refreshing to finally have found someone who seemed to put hope back in my heart. We had fun together usually getting drunk or going to bars. Alcohol was what brought us together and what ended up tearing us apart.

After I found out I was pregnant I stopped living the night life. I couldn't even stand being around drunk people. They seemed sloppy and annoying from my sober eyes. Not to mention I was growing by the day, working 12 hour shifts as a server and going to school full time. I was exhausted. He, however, kept going out. Every night he would leave and not stumble in until around dawn. That is when it all would start.

I would be fast asleep until I would hear him crash into something. A result of drinking 10+ beers. He would come in and lay down. If I were lucky he would pass out. I would then stay up trying to hear him breathe for fear he would drink himself to death. The other nights I can remember clear as day. I don't think you ever forget being emotionally berated night after night.

My father was an alcoholic. Growing up I watched the addiction consume his life until it ultimately ended it. Before I got pregnant I enjoyed the party scene. I never once relied on alcohol or let it consume my life. He knew my past and how alcohol ruined my family. It still hurts that he let it ruin ours too.

So why did I stay you ask? I was naive and scared. I was pregnant in an unfamiliar state with one family member a town away. I kept telling myself "when the baby comes he will change". I think the breaking point for me was when I got I locked out of the house 39 weeks pregnant with wet hair in 20 degree weather. Another result of him drinking and passing out unable to hear my cries for help in the cold. His mom came to got me but that was my first realization he probably wouldn't ever change.

Lindsey was born on a February night after an emergency c section. She was the most perfect 6 pounds I had ever laid eyes on. He took to her immediately and gave me renewed hope for the family I dreamed of. For the first two weeks I felt as though I was wrong. He could change and maybe he could love Lindsey more than he loved the booze. I was so wrong.

After those first two weeks life resumed as normal. The drinking picked up right where it had left off. My parents came into town and my mom got a taste of what my life was like. Having gone through a situation almost identical with my dad, she was worried and had every right to be. Easter came and resulted in me having to call his parents to come get me because he was so drunk I was scared for me and Lindsey. Such a great way to remember your child's first Easter. Through summer and fall I fought like crazy to keep the relationship together. I prayed until I cried almost every single night. I read relationship blogs and sought council from Christian women I respected. I stopped asking for help with the baby because I was wasting my breath. I quit trying to wake him up before noon because he needed to sleep off the alcohol. I even quit bringing up the drinking. I tried to be more positive and encouraging. Anything and everything to turn this nightmare around.

In the end it only blew up in my face. December is when I noticed a change. He was drinking and driving every weekend. Staying up later and drinking more. When we would interact it was like he was not even present. He checked out while I was still killing myself to make it work. New Years is when it all came to an end. My mom was really upset that he was going out to drink while me and the baby stayed home. She and he got into an argument and I got caught in the middle. I tried not to choose sides but my mom said things that were very valid but he just didn't want to hear. He didn't speak for me for 3 days because of it. Then on the fourth day I caught him in a lie. Lying is something I just would not tolerate. The drinking I was willing to work with but lying is so completely disrespectful. Once trust is gone in a relationship there is nothing left.

I left for Arizona 2 days later. The man I fell in love with was gone. What was left was a fragment of someone I used to know.

Not So Humpty Dumpty

My life has done a 180 since 2013 started. The biggest change was moving out to Arizona. My relationship with Lindsey's dad ended. To spare you the nitty gritty details it boils down to one person being ready to be a parent and the other one not. Since then I have had to really rebuild my life. It took a while to realize how unhealthy the relationship was and how much my life needed to be out back in place. It was kind of like Humpty Dumpty, yet through the grace of God I was able to be put back together again.

When I first came out to Arizona I was lost. I started seeking mentorship through a program in my church called Stephen Ministries. It is a really amazing program designed to walk with people who are experiencing difficult challenges in life. I was paired up with an amazing woman named Lisa. She, like I now found myself, was a single mom. We met for an hour once a week and during that time I discovered many new things about myself and really began to heal. 

Lisa pointed out to me that during our first meetings I never once talked about anything that made me happy. As I thought about it she as right. My life for two years had revolved around making another person happy and for another year making two people happy. I never put myself first and I was okay with that but in the midst of it all I sort of lost myself. I defined myself as a mother, partner and student but who was I as a person? That is something I have been working to find the past couple months. Our roles as wives, girlfriends and mothers are without a doubt very important. But sometimes we get caught up in finding happiness for everyone else we forget to find it for ourselves. 

I have now started a new and exciting relationship, one that I look forward to pursuing every day. That relationship is with myself. I am rediscovering things that I love doing and starting doing new things that make me happy. I get together with my friends at least once a week, without the baby. GASP! I know I know but I think it is so important to get out and just be 22. It keeps me sane to have time with my girlfriends and not talk about dirty diapers or teething pains. I still fulfill all my roles as a mother for I know that is my most important duty. I am also going to the gym a few times a week and that workout is my time to clear my head and refocus my day. 

I am really enjoying getting to know myself again. I know it will be a long process to heal but I am making strides daily. I am a better mother and better person because of it. I really believe that God puts people in your life for all kinds of reasons. To challenge you, to strengthen you, and to change you. My relationship with Lindsey's dad has definitely changed me and for the better. I am stronger and really know what I want and deserve in a relationship. Lisa also came into my life at a time when I really needed strong christian guidance. She helped me realize that it wasn't selfish to put myself first once in a while and that my happiness was important as well as Lindsey's.

I have placed my life fully in God's hands and I know he will guide it with every breathe I take.

One Year Birthday

My little angel is one year old! We had a week long celebration in her honor. It was filled with food, shopping and fun. All leading up to her birthday party where friends and family got to join in this celebration! We celebrated in Arizona and I am so thankful my friends and family were able to be a part of this moment. 

On her actual birthday, the family got together and went out to dinner at one of our favorite local places.

Her smile? I die, sooo cute!

Her first cake didnt turn out so hot but I was in a rush... The cupcakes for her actual party were much better!

 Her first birthday present from her Auntie Cayla! A super fun horse that talks and sings. Lindsey lovees it.

Funfetti cupcakes with a homemade buttercream. The birthday girl got an extra large cupcake :)

We had a veggie tray, a fruit tray with lemon yogurt, pesto pasta salad, and turkey hummus wraps. As well as chips and dip. The food turned out so well and I dont know how I would I have done any of it without my mom :)

Birthday girl ready to party!

What a goofball :)

"Mom stop Im trying to open my presents"

My child is such a princess. She really hates touching her own food. She doesnt want to make a mess on her party clothes I guess ;)

When all else fails, pick it up and let her at it!

Lindseys first birthday was a memory I will have forever. I cannot believe my princess is growing up so fast. I wish I could slow time down. I always remember my mom saying "Once that moment is gone, it is nothing but a memory." Those words could not be more true. I try and enjoy every minute I have with my little girl. 

Mommy loves you so much Lindsey Elizabeth. You will never find another soul on earth that loves you more than I. Happy birthday sweet girl <3