Our Highest Calling

There are days where I want to call in sick. I want to clock out early and relax with a glass of wine and watch something that isn't animated. Some days I just don't want to do it. The tantrums, the questions, the power struggles. They're exhausting. 

How many days does God think "I wish she would stop doing that". As humans we are Gods most frustrating creation. But we are also his most precious. So precious he sent his only son to break us from the bondage of sin. 

 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."

John 3:16-17

So are there days I want to give up and call it quits? Absolutely. Would I ever? Not for all the gold or silver. Being a mom is what I think to be the highest honor this side of heaven. It is God saying here is my child, I'm trusting you to raise them and lead them to me. Y'all that's a lot to take in. But want to know a secret. We aren't doing it alone. Even if it feels like it at times. I'm a single mom. Trust me when I say some days I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. But our father is right there. To give us strength when our earthly minds and bodies cannot take anymore. He's there to give us wisdom when we are lost for answers. He is our biggest supporter. 

For all the hard moments and days there are even more sweet and precious ones. Tonight Lindsey have me a huge hug and said mommy you're my best friend. For me it doesn't get much better. When I feel like I'm failing in the parent department I watch her as she bows her head and folds her hands to pray. She doesn't fully understand the action of praying but I know she will.

Parenting is hard. But it is the most rewarding job I have ever held. To me it is more than a job. I was created to be her mommy. Right now that is my most important role. I know one day my lap will be empty for she will no longer want to sit in it. I'll have a whole new set of power struggles and bad days. For now I need to remember that this moment, this day is a gift. And treat it as such. Everyday I get to teach her, correct her, love her is a gift. 

I could never thank God enough for trusting me to raise His precious daughter. 

The Truth

I have been wondering why it has been so hard for me to blog lately. Well actually all of 2013 I really struggled with sitting down and doing it. Yes I was busy but I know I had time. There had to be more to it. The other day as I was compiling my Christmas post it dawned on me. I hesitate to blog because I assume my life is inadequate for people to want to see.

I dont have a fancy camera.

I live with my parents and am raising my daughter on my own.

I am still waiting on the happily ever after.

I dont have the faith maturity to give sound advice.

I am still working to earn my degree after being in college since I was 17. Im 23 now.

I am not as creative as other people are.

I dont cook nearly as often as I used to.

My writing is not as eloquent or witty as other blogs I read.

This list could go on and on. I have been so caught up in what I don't have that I have forgotten what I do have. I found it hard to blog because I was constantly comparing myself to other bloggers who seemed to have more in life. I always ended up wanting more in my own life. Yet while I was editing my Christmas post I felt a huge sense of gratitude and gratefulness that my heart has been lacking. 2013 was a really hard year emotionally for me. My life was not in the place I wanted it to be or thought it should have been. I faced many hard days and struggled with my spiritual thirst. All of those material things I listed do not define me as a person. The only thing that can keep my content is my spiritual faith and relationship with God.

My pastor did a sermon a few months ago on spiritual thirst. The story of the samaritan woman in John 4 is one I can identify with. The woman has been fulfilling her needs with husbands to define and quench her spiritual thirst. Jesus tells the woman "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" John 4:13-14. After speaking more with Jesus, John writes that the Samaritan woman left her water jug to tell the people in the town of her encounter with the Christ (John 4:28). To me, her leaving the jug symbolized her leaving all of her shame and guilt from the past with it.

There have been times I have tried to quench my thirst with earthly things. However, when they are gone I am thirsty yet again. It isnt until I ask for God to fill me with his spirit, does my soul feel full. It is a daily process of spending time with God and in his presence that I feel close to him and my need for fulfillment by the earths standards is diminished.

So no I do not have all those things I listed above. But I have much more in my heart of hearts. What I have cannot be measured by others or society's measure of wealth. I have a relationship with my Lord and Savior and that to me is so much more. I now look at my life with an extreme amount of blessing and gratitude. The Lord has blessed me with far more than I deserve and I thank him everyday for that. I think it will be easier for me to be more honest and open with my life on here now that I am aware of my problem. I look back at my posts in 2012 and a lot of them were forced by someone who was trying to portray her life as happily ever after. It couldn't have been further from the truth. So now that is my sob story. But its the truth and what is life is you don't tell the truth?

What doesn't kill you Part 1

This post has been really hard for me to write. I've started it over and over again; deleting after every attempt. This is something I will want to have to look back on. To remind myself how far I have come.

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. Verbally, emotionally and physically. I was shoved against the wall, had my phone taken when I tried to call for help, I was pushed up against the wall and choked. I was verbally abusive I mean being called every terrible name you could never even think to call another person. Along with those names I was told I would never amount to anything and that my daughter would be taken away from me if I ever tried to leave. Generally these interactions occurred after alcohol had been consumed. He would come home after a night out. Normally I would already be in bed bracing myself not knowing what would happen when that door opened. In the morning he would usually not even remember what had been said. If I told him he would laugh give me a half hearted sorry and go about his day. Not me though. Those words cut like a knife and I began to find myself in my own personal hell. Scared to leave and scared to stay.

People always ask me "what even attracted you to him in the first place?" It's important to clarify that these out bursts didn't begin until I was pregnant. When we first met I thought I had finally found the one. He was kind and charming and soft spoken. I had been through my share of dating and they all turned out to be jerks. It was refreshing to finally have found someone who seemed to put hope back in my heart. We had fun together usually getting drunk or going to bars. Alcohol was what brought us together and what ended up tearing us apart.

After I found out I was pregnant I stopped living the night life. I couldn't even stand being around drunk people. They seemed sloppy and annoying from my sober eyes. Not to mention I was growing by the day, working 12 hour shifts as a server and going to school full time. I was exhausted. He, however, kept going out. Every night he would leave and not stumble in until around dawn. That is when it all would start.

I would be fast asleep until I would hear him crash into something. A result of drinking 10+ beers. He would come in and lay down. If I were lucky he would pass out. I would then stay up trying to hear him breathe for fear he would drink himself to death. The other nights I can remember clear as day. I don't think you ever forget being emotionally berated night after night.

My father was an alcoholic. Growing up I watched the addiction consume his life until it ultimately ended it. Before I got pregnant I enjoyed the party scene. I never once relied on alcohol or let it consume my life. He knew my past and how alcohol ruined my family. It still hurts that he let it ruin ours too.

So why did I stay you ask? I was naive and scared. I was pregnant in an unfamiliar state with one family member a town away. I kept telling myself "when the baby comes he will change". I think the breaking point for me was when I got I locked out of the house 39 weeks pregnant with wet hair in 20 degree weather. Another result of him drinking and passing out unable to hear my cries for help in the cold. His mom came to got me but that was my first realization he probably wouldn't ever change.

Lindsey was born on a February night after an emergency c section. She was the most perfect 6 pounds I had ever laid eyes on. He took to her immediately and gave me renewed hope for the family I dreamed of. For the first two weeks I felt as though I was wrong. He could change and maybe he could love Lindsey more than he loved the booze. I was so wrong.

After those first two weeks life resumed as normal. The drinking picked up right where it had left off. My parents came into town and my mom got a taste of what my life was like. Having gone through a situation almost identical with my dad, she was worried and had every right to be. Easter came and resulted in me having to call his parents to come get me because he was so drunk I was scared for me and Lindsey. Such a great way to remember your child's first Easter. Through summer and fall I fought like crazy to keep the relationship together. I prayed until I cried almost every single night. I read relationship blogs and sought council from Christian women I respected. I stopped asking for help with the baby because I was wasting my breath. I quit trying to wake him up before noon because he needed to sleep off the alcohol. I even quit bringing up the drinking. I tried to be more positive and encouraging. Anything and everything to turn this nightmare around.

In the end it only blew up in my face. December is when I noticed a change. He was drinking and driving every weekend. Staying up later and drinking more. When we would interact it was like he was not even present. He checked out while I was still killing myself to make it work. New Years is when it all came to an end. My mom was really upset that he was going out to drink while me and the baby stayed home. She and he got into an argument and I got caught in the middle. I tried not to choose sides but my mom said things that were very valid but he just didn't want to hear. He didn't speak for me for 3 days because of it. Then on the fourth day I caught him in a lie. Lying is something I just would not tolerate. The drinking I was willing to work with but lying is so completely disrespectful. Once trust is gone in a relationship there is nothing left.

I left for Arizona 2 days later. The man I fell in love with was gone. What was left was a fragment of someone I used to know.

Lets be honest

I am a terrible blogger. I really am. I go weeks without posting. But thats not to say I dont love it because I do. I truly love the idea of having a journal of my life and the growth of my daughter documented as well as all my cooking endeavors. Im just busy. Im a mom, a student, a girlfriend and a daughter of Jesus. All of those require my time and my effort. They are rewarding in their own right but it is a day to day journey to be all those things. Lindsey is at the stage where she is incredibly mobile and such a joy to play with that I hate wasting any time I have with her. She is learning so much every day and amazes me constantly. I love her more and more every day I have with her. I made the deans list this semester. That in itself soaks up the majority of my free time. But to say I am proud of myself would be the biggest understatement of the year. I am more than proud because it has been challenging but will be incredibly worth it when I am finished. My relationship with my Creator is one that I thirst for more of. I sit down for my bible study in the morning and I take in as much as I can. I crave for more of Him and His presence in my life because since I have fully given my life to Him, words cannot express the feelings of joy and peace that surround me.

So Im not the best blogger. But that is one of my goals for the new year. To squeeze it into my hectic life and enjoy it. Because what is life if its not enjoyed? And with that I give you...

Oh Rachel Ray you are a woman after my own heart with this recipe. I kid you not if sexy were a dish this would be it. The feta and cherry tomatoes compliment each other beautifully with the combination of salty and sweet. Then you add the sweet shrimp cooked in hot chili that is balanced with velvety butter and the acid of lemon just pops at your taste buds in all the right ways. The picture does less than justice on how beautiful and satisfying this meal was. 

GARLIC CHILI SHRIMP AND GREEK SPAGHETTI

adapted from Rachel Ray

serves 4

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil (EVOO), divided

6 cloves garlic, sliced or chopped, divided

2 tablespoons chili flake, divided

1 pound jumbo sweet shrimp, deveined

Sea salt and pepper and/or Rachael’s seafood seasoning

2 pints cherry tomatoes

1 1/2 tablespoons chopped oregano or 1 1/2 teaspoons dried oregano

1 cup feta cheese crumbles

1 pound bowtie pasta

1/4 cup chicken stock

1 tablespoon butter

Juice of 1 lemon

Place 1/4 cup EVOO in a shallow dish with half the garlic and the chili pepper. Add the shrimp and season with seafood seasoning; add salt and pepper if not included in the blend. Marinate and chill for 1 hour.

Bring a large pot of water to a boil for the pasta. Salt the water.

Heat a skillet with a tight-fitting lid with the remaining 1/4 cup EVOO over medium heat. Add the remaining garlic and chili; stir for 2-3 minutes. Add the cherry tomatoes and oregano; cover the pan and raise the heat a bit. Cook, shaking the pan occasionally, until the tomatoes burst, 10-12 minutes. Mash up the tomatoes a bit and add the feta; stir to combine and reduce the heat to low. Season with black pepper, to taste.

Cook the pasta to al dente. Reserve 1 cup of the starchy cooking water just before draining.

Meanwhile, heat a skillet over medium-high heat. Add the shrimp and cook until pink and firm and brown at the edges. Douse the pan with vermouth; add the butter and melt. Add the lemon juice and turn off the heat.

Toss the pasta with the starchy cooking water and sauce for 1-2 minutes. Transfer to a platter, Top with the shrimp and the remaining sauce.