The Enemy Will Not Win

This past week has been such a roller coaster. Lindsey had the flu, spring break was over and that meant a pile of homework and I was preparing to give my testimony at Celebrate Recovery. I was so stressed out and exhausted. My step dad made an interesting observation of how it wasn't a coincidence all that was happening at the same time. The devil was at work. He wanted to distract me from my testimony and delivering it at church. He wanted to exhaust me and detour me from praising God in my words. 

However, the enemy did not win. 

On Thursday I got up on stage and spoke for almost 20 minutes about my past, present, future and how they are all to the glory of God. I have wrote about my difficult relationship with Lindsey's dad and touched on that during my talk but I also let the people there into a part of my past that I hid so deeply my family didn't even know about until a few weeks ago. Im not completely ready to go into detail here with that information but I know it touched many people in that audience. 

My mom told me that as I spoke the words blanketed the crowd. There were tears, laughs, and many amens. I think the best compliment I received that night was that you could see Christ through me. I can't even explain how my heart felt after hearing that. God has done so much in my life that if I can offer a glimpse of His grace, I consider my life well lived.

 Many amazing moments came out of that night. A girl came up to me after I spoke and she told me earlier that day she had decided she didn't want to go to heaven and even questioned her faith in Christ because of what happened to her when she was younger. I spoke with her for a while and prayed with her, lifting her up to the one who heals all hurt. Later that evening she came up to me and told me that because of my testimony and our talk she was reconsidering her recent feelings of heaven and her faith in Christ. 

God is so amazing. 

I remember praying for days leading up to the talk that if I could touch one person, and if one person's faith in Christ was strengthened because of my testimony I would be happy. I prayed that my words would be God's words and that it would only bring Him glory. Not me. I do not deserve any of it. I may have gotten up on that stage but it was God who gave me the words. God who gave me the strength. It was Him who brought me through those storms. He has done so many amazing things in my life and I know this is only the beginning. 

The director of Solus Christus, a christian center for woman, wants me to come out to their center and talk to the girls there. I told her I would be beyond happy to do that. My life has not been easy but God's grace and strength has brought me through every storm and to be able to share that with others would be my dream. For now Ill keep praying. God has big things in store for me.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8: 28 ESV

Heavenly Father I ask you to guide me to bring you glory in any way you will. Take my story and make it all to praise you. You are the author and perfecter of our faith. I praise you for all you have done in my life and all you will do. 

I ask this all in your sons name,

Amen

The Truth

I have been wondering why it has been so hard for me to blog lately. Well actually all of 2013 I really struggled with sitting down and doing it. Yes I was busy but I know I had time. There had to be more to it. The other day as I was compiling my Christmas post it dawned on me. I hesitate to blog because I assume my life is inadequate for people to want to see.

I dont have a fancy camera.

I live with my parents and am raising my daughter on my own.

I am still waiting on the happily ever after.

I dont have the faith maturity to give sound advice.

I am still working to earn my degree after being in college since I was 17. Im 23 now.

I am not as creative as other people are.

I dont cook nearly as often as I used to.

My writing is not as eloquent or witty as other blogs I read.

This list could go on and on. I have been so caught up in what I don't have that I have forgotten what I do have. I found it hard to blog because I was constantly comparing myself to other bloggers who seemed to have more in life. I always ended up wanting more in my own life. Yet while I was editing my Christmas post I felt a huge sense of gratitude and gratefulness that my heart has been lacking. 2013 was a really hard year emotionally for me. My life was not in the place I wanted it to be or thought it should have been. I faced many hard days and struggled with my spiritual thirst. All of those material things I listed do not define me as a person. The only thing that can keep my content is my spiritual faith and relationship with God.

My pastor did a sermon a few months ago on spiritual thirst. The story of the samaritan woman in John 4 is one I can identify with. The woman has been fulfilling her needs with husbands to define and quench her spiritual thirst. Jesus tells the woman "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" John 4:13-14. After speaking more with Jesus, John writes that the Samaritan woman left her water jug to tell the people in the town of her encounter with the Christ (John 4:28). To me, her leaving the jug symbolized her leaving all of her shame and guilt from the past with it.

There have been times I have tried to quench my thirst with earthly things. However, when they are gone I am thirsty yet again. It isnt until I ask for God to fill me with his spirit, does my soul feel full. It is a daily process of spending time with God and in his presence that I feel close to him and my need for fulfillment by the earths standards is diminished.

So no I do not have all those things I listed above. But I have much more in my heart of hearts. What I have cannot be measured by others or society's measure of wealth. I have a relationship with my Lord and Savior and that to me is so much more. I now look at my life with an extreme amount of blessing and gratitude. The Lord has blessed me with far more than I deserve and I thank him everyday for that. I think it will be easier for me to be more honest and open with my life on here now that I am aware of my problem. I look back at my posts in 2012 and a lot of them were forced by someone who was trying to portray her life as happily ever after. It couldn't have been further from the truth. So now that is my sob story. But its the truth and what is life is you don't tell the truth?

Moving On

Moving On.

Two Words.

Eight Letters.

Difficult to do.

When me and Lindsey first left Ohio and went to live with my parents in Arizona I was mad. I was hurt. I was frustrated. But I was not sad. I didn't cry. This was for the best. And I still know it was regardless of what the ninnies at the beauty shop gossip about. I was also super busy. My parents worked and I found myself as a real single mom. No one was supposed to be home helping me. I also was enrolled full time in online school. With a toddler. Yes I am crazy. And determined. But more on that later.

For the first few weeks I was here I was so focused on what he was doing. Who he was talking to or where he was going. It consumed me and angered me every time I found out new information. I had to make a choice. Either move on or let it drag me down. Besides a random Facebook message every month or so concerning the baby, we did not speak. He cancelled my phone so I got a new number. Which has turned out to be a blessing. I really began rebuilding myself. Or so I thought.

A month ago I received a Facebook message informing me he would be moving to a new place and my stuff would most likely be never seen again. (I left some belongings there with the hope he would get his act together and I would get my family back) Obviously that was not happening so within 3 days of that message I was on a plane to my past. I was consumed with anxiety. Not sure how the interaction would go or what would happen. I chose the element of surprise: a short 3 day trip and an early time to retrieve my belongings. I called his parents the morning I planned to get my things and they were willing to meet me. Luckily they had no harsh feelings toward me and were genuinely happy to see me.  I was in and out in 30 minutes flat. He of course called me every name I had already heard so it was not too different than how it was when I lived there. 

Here is the real kicker. There was a mousy girl in my bed. Using my pillow and blanket. She never picked her head up, probably out of fear because I am a terrifying beast. Besides the fact that it was incredibly disrespectful it was the part that hurt the worst. This was the home we had found while we were pregnant. The first place Lindsey ever called home. A place I built with love and the hope of a future. Granted it also held terrible memories, that dream in my heart was shattered. He had moved on. And now I needed to.

It isnt so much that I miss him. Or our relationship, obviously since it was a constant battle field. I miss what it could have been. What it should have been. The dream that my child would grow up with her parents together and making it against all odds. But this apparently was not his dream. He is much more content living the bachelor life. Drinking and finding comfort in the arms of other women. 

On the plane ride home to Arizona, I finally let myself cry. I hadn't really come to terms with the relationship ending but after that weekend, there was no going back. That was all the closure I needed to end that chapter in my life and start a new one. I feel like I am starting a whole new book. One where I place myself on a higher standard than before. One where I am letting God lead my life rather than trying, and failing, to plan it alone. 

It is a day to day process of rebuilding my heart. But I am getting there. Little things still take me back to that place but I am so ever grateful I am no longer there. The Lord has a plan for me greater than I could ever imagine. He has created a man that will be my other half in every way. His heart will be filled with the Lord and our relationship will begin based on our love for Jesus Christ. 

Until then I will stay focused on my faith, my daughter, my family, and my future. 

What doesnt kill you Part 2

Throughout the 2 years I was with him, I learned a lot about myself and what I deserve.

1. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.
To say I was tolerated is putting it nicely. He never told me I was pretty or laughed at my jokes. He always called me crazy and used me as the butt of his jokes around his friends. Throughout this experience I now know I will never have that again. The Lord made me exactly who I am and has made someone perfect for me out there.

2. You are the daughter of an almighty King.
My faith is the only thing that kept me alive. I always knew God but after I had Lindsey I finally began a relationship with God. People ask how I am so strong and how I handled living like that for so long. The answer is simple: God. He never left me, not even once. I prayed continuously for God to change my circumstances or show me the way out. After months of prayers, he answered them. It was my time to leave and I knew in my heart God was telling me to go. The Lord never wants his children to be unhappy. My God is much bigger than my circumstances and will fight for me until the end.

3. Being alone is better than being around people who make you wish you were. 
I heard this saying soon after I settled back in Arizona and I can really relate. I think it speaks for itself.

4. Give your heart to God and he will place it in the hands of a man who deserves it.
This one could not be more true. I truly believe in my heart that God has a person who will give as much as they take. They will love me for who I am through and through. When you walk with God he leads you to a much better life than you could have ever dreamed of.

I also have a few personal standards for when I get back into the dating world. Even though the past 2 years were very challenging and difficult, I would not change a single decision I have made. Meeting him, brought me Lindsey. She has changed my life for the better in every single way. I put her needs first and foremost ALWAYS. Being a parent is not a part time job, or whenever you feel like it. She has motivated me in every aspect of my life. I even made the deans list last semester all while taking care of her by myself. Having Lindsey also brought me into the arms of my God. He has lifted the hurt and anguish from my heart. I would be a very depressed person right now if I didn't have my faith. Everything works out for a reason. And now for the first time in a long time, I can breathe easy. I am stronger than you ever gave me credit for. And now I can have the life I deserve and was destined for.

  So thanks for making me a fighter.

What doesn't kill you Part 1

This post has been really hard for me to write. I've started it over and over again; deleting after every attempt. This is something I will want to have to look back on. To remind myself how far I have come.

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. Verbally, emotionally and physically. I was shoved against the wall, had my phone taken when I tried to call for help, I was pushed up against the wall and choked. I was verbally abusive I mean being called every terrible name you could never even think to call another person. Along with those names I was told I would never amount to anything and that my daughter would be taken away from me if I ever tried to leave. Generally these interactions occurred after alcohol had been consumed. He would come home after a night out. Normally I would already be in bed bracing myself not knowing what would happen when that door opened. In the morning he would usually not even remember what had been said. If I told him he would laugh give me a half hearted sorry and go about his day. Not me though. Those words cut like a knife and I began to find myself in my own personal hell. Scared to leave and scared to stay.

People always ask me "what even attracted you to him in the first place?" It's important to clarify that these out bursts didn't begin until I was pregnant. When we first met I thought I had finally found the one. He was kind and charming and soft spoken. I had been through my share of dating and they all turned out to be jerks. It was refreshing to finally have found someone who seemed to put hope back in my heart. We had fun together usually getting drunk or going to bars. Alcohol was what brought us together and what ended up tearing us apart.

After I found out I was pregnant I stopped living the night life. I couldn't even stand being around drunk people. They seemed sloppy and annoying from my sober eyes. Not to mention I was growing by the day, working 12 hour shifts as a server and going to school full time. I was exhausted. He, however, kept going out. Every night he would leave and not stumble in until around dawn. That is when it all would start.

I would be fast asleep until I would hear him crash into something. A result of drinking 10+ beers. He would come in and lay down. If I were lucky he would pass out. I would then stay up trying to hear him breathe for fear he would drink himself to death. The other nights I can remember clear as day. I don't think you ever forget being emotionally berated night after night.

My father was an alcoholic. Growing up I watched the addiction consume his life until it ultimately ended it. Before I got pregnant I enjoyed the party scene. I never once relied on alcohol or let it consume my life. He knew my past and how alcohol ruined my family. It still hurts that he let it ruin ours too.

So why did I stay you ask? I was naive and scared. I was pregnant in an unfamiliar state with one family member a town away. I kept telling myself "when the baby comes he will change". I think the breaking point for me was when I got I locked out of the house 39 weeks pregnant with wet hair in 20 degree weather. Another result of him drinking and passing out unable to hear my cries for help in the cold. His mom came to got me but that was my first realization he probably wouldn't ever change.

Lindsey was born on a February night after an emergency c section. She was the most perfect 6 pounds I had ever laid eyes on. He took to her immediately and gave me renewed hope for the family I dreamed of. For the first two weeks I felt as though I was wrong. He could change and maybe he could love Lindsey more than he loved the booze. I was so wrong.

After those first two weeks life resumed as normal. The drinking picked up right where it had left off. My parents came into town and my mom got a taste of what my life was like. Having gone through a situation almost identical with my dad, she was worried and had every right to be. Easter came and resulted in me having to call his parents to come get me because he was so drunk I was scared for me and Lindsey. Such a great way to remember your child's first Easter. Through summer and fall I fought like crazy to keep the relationship together. I prayed until I cried almost every single night. I read relationship blogs and sought council from Christian women I respected. I stopped asking for help with the baby because I was wasting my breath. I quit trying to wake him up before noon because he needed to sleep off the alcohol. I even quit bringing up the drinking. I tried to be more positive and encouraging. Anything and everything to turn this nightmare around.

In the end it only blew up in my face. December is when I noticed a change. He was drinking and driving every weekend. Staying up later and drinking more. When we would interact it was like he was not even present. He checked out while I was still killing myself to make it work. New Years is when it all came to an end. My mom was really upset that he was going out to drink while me and the baby stayed home. She and he got into an argument and I got caught in the middle. I tried not to choose sides but my mom said things that were very valid but he just didn't want to hear. He didn't speak for me for 3 days because of it. Then on the fourth day I caught him in a lie. Lying is something I just would not tolerate. The drinking I was willing to work with but lying is so completely disrespectful. Once trust is gone in a relationship there is nothing left.

I left for Arizona 2 days later. The man I fell in love with was gone. What was left was a fragment of someone I used to know.