Moving On

Moving On.

Two Words.

Eight Letters.

Difficult to do.

When me and Lindsey first left Ohio and went to live with my parents in Arizona I was mad. I was hurt. I was frustrated. But I was not sad. I didn't cry. This was for the best. And I still know it was regardless of what the ninnies at the beauty shop gossip about. I was also super busy. My parents worked and I found myself as a real single mom. No one was supposed to be home helping me. I also was enrolled full time in online school. With a toddler. Yes I am crazy. And determined. But more on that later.

For the first few weeks I was here I was so focused on what he was doing. Who he was talking to or where he was going. It consumed me and angered me every time I found out new information. I had to make a choice. Either move on or let it drag me down. Besides a random Facebook message every month or so concerning the baby, we did not speak. He cancelled my phone so I got a new number. Which has turned out to be a blessing. I really began rebuilding myself. Or so I thought.

A month ago I received a Facebook message informing me he would be moving to a new place and my stuff would most likely be never seen again. (I left some belongings there with the hope he would get his act together and I would get my family back) Obviously that was not happening so within 3 days of that message I was on a plane to my past. I was consumed with anxiety. Not sure how the interaction would go or what would happen. I chose the element of surprise: a short 3 day trip and an early time to retrieve my belongings. I called his parents the morning I planned to get my things and they were willing to meet me. Luckily they had no harsh feelings toward me and were genuinely happy to see me.  I was in and out in 30 minutes flat. He of course called me every name I had already heard so it was not too different than how it was when I lived there. 

Here is the real kicker. There was a mousy girl in my bed. Using my pillow and blanket. She never picked her head up, probably out of fear because I am a terrifying beast. Besides the fact that it was incredibly disrespectful it was the part that hurt the worst. This was the home we had found while we were pregnant. The first place Lindsey ever called home. A place I built with love and the hope of a future. Granted it also held terrible memories, that dream in my heart was shattered. He had moved on. And now I needed to.

It isnt so much that I miss him. Or our relationship, obviously since it was a constant battle field. I miss what it could have been. What it should have been. The dream that my child would grow up with her parents together and making it against all odds. But this apparently was not his dream. He is much more content living the bachelor life. Drinking and finding comfort in the arms of other women. 

On the plane ride home to Arizona, I finally let myself cry. I hadn't really come to terms with the relationship ending but after that weekend, there was no going back. That was all the closure I needed to end that chapter in my life and start a new one. I feel like I am starting a whole new book. One where I place myself on a higher standard than before. One where I am letting God lead my life rather than trying, and failing, to plan it alone. 

It is a day to day process of rebuilding my heart. But I am getting there. Little things still take me back to that place but I am so ever grateful I am no longer there. The Lord has a plan for me greater than I could ever imagine. He has created a man that will be my other half in every way. His heart will be filled with the Lord and our relationship will begin based on our love for Jesus Christ. 

Until then I will stay focused on my faith, my daughter, my family, and my future. 

What doesnt kill you Part 2

Throughout the 2 years I was with him, I learned a lot about myself and what I deserve.

1. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.
To say I was tolerated is putting it nicely. He never told me I was pretty or laughed at my jokes. He always called me crazy and used me as the butt of his jokes around his friends. Throughout this experience I now know I will never have that again. The Lord made me exactly who I am and has made someone perfect for me out there.

2. You are the daughter of an almighty King.
My faith is the only thing that kept me alive. I always knew God but after I had Lindsey I finally began a relationship with God. People ask how I am so strong and how I handled living like that for so long. The answer is simple: God. He never left me, not even once. I prayed continuously for God to change my circumstances or show me the way out. After months of prayers, he answered them. It was my time to leave and I knew in my heart God was telling me to go. The Lord never wants his children to be unhappy. My God is much bigger than my circumstances and will fight for me until the end.

3. Being alone is better than being around people who make you wish you were. 
I heard this saying soon after I settled back in Arizona and I can really relate. I think it speaks for itself.

4. Give your heart to God and he will place it in the hands of a man who deserves it.
This one could not be more true. I truly believe in my heart that God has a person who will give as much as they take. They will love me for who I am through and through. When you walk with God he leads you to a much better life than you could have ever dreamed of.

I also have a few personal standards for when I get back into the dating world. Even though the past 2 years were very challenging and difficult, I would not change a single decision I have made. Meeting him, brought me Lindsey. She has changed my life for the better in every single way. I put her needs first and foremost ALWAYS. Being a parent is not a part time job, or whenever you feel like it. She has motivated me in every aspect of my life. I even made the deans list last semester all while taking care of her by myself. Having Lindsey also brought me into the arms of my God. He has lifted the hurt and anguish from my heart. I would be a very depressed person right now if I didn't have my faith. Everything works out for a reason. And now for the first time in a long time, I can breathe easy. I am stronger than you ever gave me credit for. And now I can have the life I deserve and was destined for.

  So thanks for making me a fighter.

What doesn't kill you Part 1

This post has been really hard for me to write. I've started it over and over again; deleting after every attempt. This is something I will want to have to look back on. To remind myself how far I have come.

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years. Verbally, emotionally and physically. I was shoved against the wall, had my phone taken when I tried to call for help, I was pushed up against the wall and choked. I was verbally abusive I mean being called every terrible name you could never even think to call another person. Along with those names I was told I would never amount to anything and that my daughter would be taken away from me if I ever tried to leave. Generally these interactions occurred after alcohol had been consumed. He would come home after a night out. Normally I would already be in bed bracing myself not knowing what would happen when that door opened. In the morning he would usually not even remember what had been said. If I told him he would laugh give me a half hearted sorry and go about his day. Not me though. Those words cut like a knife and I began to find myself in my own personal hell. Scared to leave and scared to stay.

People always ask me "what even attracted you to him in the first place?" It's important to clarify that these out bursts didn't begin until I was pregnant. When we first met I thought I had finally found the one. He was kind and charming and soft spoken. I had been through my share of dating and they all turned out to be jerks. It was refreshing to finally have found someone who seemed to put hope back in my heart. We had fun together usually getting drunk or going to bars. Alcohol was what brought us together and what ended up tearing us apart.

After I found out I was pregnant I stopped living the night life. I couldn't even stand being around drunk people. They seemed sloppy and annoying from my sober eyes. Not to mention I was growing by the day, working 12 hour shifts as a server and going to school full time. I was exhausted. He, however, kept going out. Every night he would leave and not stumble in until around dawn. That is when it all would start.

I would be fast asleep until I would hear him crash into something. A result of drinking 10+ beers. He would come in and lay down. If I were lucky he would pass out. I would then stay up trying to hear him breathe for fear he would drink himself to death. The other nights I can remember clear as day. I don't think you ever forget being emotionally berated night after night.

My father was an alcoholic. Growing up I watched the addiction consume his life until it ultimately ended it. Before I got pregnant I enjoyed the party scene. I never once relied on alcohol or let it consume my life. He knew my past and how alcohol ruined my family. It still hurts that he let it ruin ours too.

So why did I stay you ask? I was naive and scared. I was pregnant in an unfamiliar state with one family member a town away. I kept telling myself "when the baby comes he will change". I think the breaking point for me was when I got I locked out of the house 39 weeks pregnant with wet hair in 20 degree weather. Another result of him drinking and passing out unable to hear my cries for help in the cold. His mom came to got me but that was my first realization he probably wouldn't ever change.

Lindsey was born on a February night after an emergency c section. She was the most perfect 6 pounds I had ever laid eyes on. He took to her immediately and gave me renewed hope for the family I dreamed of. For the first two weeks I felt as though I was wrong. He could change and maybe he could love Lindsey more than he loved the booze. I was so wrong.

After those first two weeks life resumed as normal. The drinking picked up right where it had left off. My parents came into town and my mom got a taste of what my life was like. Having gone through a situation almost identical with my dad, she was worried and had every right to be. Easter came and resulted in me having to call his parents to come get me because he was so drunk I was scared for me and Lindsey. Such a great way to remember your child's first Easter. Through summer and fall I fought like crazy to keep the relationship together. I prayed until I cried almost every single night. I read relationship blogs and sought council from Christian women I respected. I stopped asking for help with the baby because I was wasting my breath. I quit trying to wake him up before noon because he needed to sleep off the alcohol. I even quit bringing up the drinking. I tried to be more positive and encouraging. Anything and everything to turn this nightmare around.

In the end it only blew up in my face. December is when I noticed a change. He was drinking and driving every weekend. Staying up later and drinking more. When we would interact it was like he was not even present. He checked out while I was still killing myself to make it work. New Years is when it all came to an end. My mom was really upset that he was going out to drink while me and the baby stayed home. She and he got into an argument and I got caught in the middle. I tried not to choose sides but my mom said things that were very valid but he just didn't want to hear. He didn't speak for me for 3 days because of it. Then on the fourth day I caught him in a lie. Lying is something I just would not tolerate. The drinking I was willing to work with but lying is so completely disrespectful. Once trust is gone in a relationship there is nothing left.

I left for Arizona 2 days later. The man I fell in love with was gone. What was left was a fragment of someone I used to know.

Couch Potato's Guide to Exercise

Some days I just dont feel like going to the gym. At all. Somedays I would rather lounge around in pajamas and eat bon bons while watching soap operas. Might as well live up to that stereotype while I have the chance. But then I realize how far I have come on this weight loss journey, ahem -60 pounds, and how I dont want to give up now.

I found this really great and easy way to incorporate working out while watching your favorite shows a the same time! Its like a drinking game but healthier.

8 Fun TV Show Workout Routines
via All Women Stalk

1. Pretty Little Liars

Theme song: Do high knees until it's over

When someone gets a text from A: 20 sit-ups

When someone says Ally's murder: 10 jumping jacks

When Garret is mentioned: 5 burpees

When anyone uses their cellphone: 5 squats

When Hanna shops: Do a plank until she's done shopping

When someone gets kissed: 10 lunges per leg

When someone cries: 10 squats

When someone tells a lie: 10 reverse crunches

Commercial break: Jog in place during first three commercials

2. New Girl 

Theme song: Do Russian twists until it's over (if short theme, do 10 jumping jacks after)

Every time Jess sings: 10 sit-ups

When something in the apartment breaks: 20 jumping jacks

Whenever Nick and Jess have a moment: 15 squats

Every time Nick fights with Jess: 50 punches

Every time Schmidt says something hilarious: 15 lunges per leg

Every time Schmidt mentions Cece: 10 push ups

Every time Cece visits the loft: 10 burpees

Every time you see the locker room bathroom: 30 second side plank per side

Commercial break: Jog in place during first three commercials

3. The Walking Dead

Theme song: Plank until it's over

Every time you see a walker: 5 squats

Every time someone kills a walker: 5 crunches

Every time someone dies: 30 jumping jacks

Every time someone screams: 10 lunges per leg

Every time someone cries:10 reverse crunches

Every time some draws a weapon: 5 push ups

Someone refers to the living: 5 burpees

Every time Rick talks on the walkie talkie: 20 bicycles

Commercial break: Jog in place during first three commercials

4. Friends 

Theme song: Do jumping jacks until it's over

Every time Chandler makes a joke: 20 crunches

Every time Joey does something stupid: 25 squats

Every time someone goes on a date: 10 push ups

Every time Phoebe sings: 1 minute wall sit

When everyone is at Central Perk: 10 burpees

If Monica cleans or cooks: 10 lunges per leg

Ross says anything geeky: 20 mountain climbers

Rachel talks about fashion or money: 1 minute plank

Commercial break: Jog in place during first three commercials

5. Doctor Who

Theme song: Jump rope until it's over

Every time some says Doctor: 10 jumping jacks

Every time the Doctor says run: 15 squats

Every time someone gets in or out of the Tardis: 20 crunches

Every time you hear the Tardis: 1 minute bicycle

Anyone says their catch phrase: 10 leg lifts

Every time the Doctor sonic's something: 15 Russian twists

Every time the Doctor gets angry: 45 second wall sit

Every time they gain a new companion: 10 burpees

Commercial break: Jog in place during first three commercials

6. Glee

Theme song: Run in place until it's over

Anytime anyone breaks out in song: 15 jumping jacks

Every time Rachel sings: 20 squats

Every time Sue gives someone advice: 5 tricep dips

Every time Rachel doesn't get her way: 10 push ups

Every time Kurt is bullied: 10 leg lifts per leg

Every time a same sex couple has a moment: 1 minute plank

Every time someone kisses: 10 burpees

Every time Finn dances: 20 crunches

Commercial break: Jog in place during first three commercials

7. How I Met Your Mother

Theme song: Plank until it's over

Every time Barney says legendary: 10 crunches

Anytime anyone high fives someone: 10 push ups

Every time you hear Ted's narrating: 5 burpees

Every time Barney hits on a girl: 15 jumping jacks

Every time Marshall and Lily kiss: 10 squats

Reference to Canada: 30 sit ups

Every time Robin talks about her job: 10 lunges per leg

When anyone drinks a beer: 10 bicycles

Commercial break: Jog in place during first three commercials

8. The Big Bang Theory

Theme song: Do jumping jacks until it's over

Penny says sweetie: 5 push ups

Every time Sheldon knocks on a door: 20 crunches

Every time Sheldon recites a fact: 30 jump ropes

Every time take out food is shown: 20 leg lifts per leg

Every time Raj whispers: 5 burpees

Anytime Amy makes someone uncomfortable: 5 Russian twists

Anytime someone walks upstairs: 25 knee highs

Bazinga: 1 minute wall sit

Commercial break: Jog in place during first three commercials 

I know I watch both Friends and Big Bang every time they are on. Thats a lot of exercise that can be snuck in to your day! These are meant to be fun and easy ways to get in some exercise without leaving the house. I know I am all for that :)

Homemade Granola

I have just recently rediscovered my love for yogurt. I used to eat it daily but I got tired of it and took a little break. But now I have added it back to my breakfast menu and added a little oomph to it. My favorite way to eat it is greek yogurt, berries, granola and a drizzle of honey.

I was buying prepackaged granola in the store for a while until I got the idea to just make it at home. In the store its pretty over priced for the amount you get. When you make it at home, you can make much more for a fraction of the cost. 

A bowl full of happiness first thing in the morning :)

Homemade Granola

3 cups rolled oats (not instant)

3 tablespoons packed light brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

1/3 cup honey

1/4 cup vegetable oil

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup coarsely chopped raw or toasted nuts or seeds

Preheat the oven to 300 and make sure a rack is in the middle. Mix the dry ingredients in one bowl and combine well. Mix the wet ingredients in another bowl and once mixed well combine with the dry ingredients. Make sure all the dry ingredients are coated then spread in an even layer on a rimmed baking sheet. Bake for 15 minutes. Take out and stir then place back in for another 5-10 min until the oats look nice and golden. Itll seem soft when you take it out but no worries, it hardens as it cools. Make sure to stir it every once and a while during the cool down.

Toasted almonds

Place almonds on a baking sheet at 350 and bake for about 10 minutes. You will be able to smell them. Take them out and let cool. Combine with granola and keep in an airtight container.

You can add anything your heart desires to this granola once it is cooled. Dried fruit, coconut, nuts, chocolate chips. Anything! I like to keep it simple and add what I want when I eat it.

Not So Humpty Dumpty

My life has done a 180 since 2013 started. The biggest change was moving out to Arizona. My relationship with Lindsey's dad ended. To spare you the nitty gritty details it boils down to one person being ready to be a parent and the other one not. Since then I have had to really rebuild my life. It took a while to realize how unhealthy the relationship was and how much my life needed to be out back in place. It was kind of like Humpty Dumpty, yet through the grace of God I was able to be put back together again.

When I first came out to Arizona I was lost. I started seeking mentorship through a program in my church called Stephen Ministries. It is a really amazing program designed to walk with people who are experiencing difficult challenges in life. I was paired up with an amazing woman named Lisa. She, like I now found myself, was a single mom. We met for an hour once a week and during that time I discovered many new things about myself and really began to heal. 

Lisa pointed out to me that during our first meetings I never once talked about anything that made me happy. As I thought about it she as right. My life for two years had revolved around making another person happy and for another year making two people happy. I never put myself first and I was okay with that but in the midst of it all I sort of lost myself. I defined myself as a mother, partner and student but who was I as a person? That is something I have been working to find the past couple months. Our roles as wives, girlfriends and mothers are without a doubt very important. But sometimes we get caught up in finding happiness for everyone else we forget to find it for ourselves. 

I have now started a new and exciting relationship, one that I look forward to pursuing every day. That relationship is with myself. I am rediscovering things that I love doing and starting doing new things that make me happy. I get together with my friends at least once a week, without the baby. GASP! I know I know but I think it is so important to get out and just be 22. It keeps me sane to have time with my girlfriends and not talk about dirty diapers or teething pains. I still fulfill all my roles as a mother for I know that is my most important duty. I am also going to the gym a few times a week and that workout is my time to clear my head and refocus my day. 

I am really enjoying getting to know myself again. I know it will be a long process to heal but I am making strides daily. I am a better mother and better person because of it. I really believe that God puts people in your life for all kinds of reasons. To challenge you, to strengthen you, and to change you. My relationship with Lindsey's dad has definitely changed me and for the better. I am stronger and really know what I want and deserve in a relationship. Lisa also came into my life at a time when I really needed strong christian guidance. She helped me realize that it wasn't selfish to put myself first once in a while and that my happiness was important as well as Lindsey's.

I have placed my life fully in God's hands and I know he will guide it with every breathe I take.

Making Teething Tolerable

If you have a little one, you are fully aware of the ins and outs of teething. If you are one of those lucky mom's who's babies popped out teeth without so much as wincing, I envy you. Lindsey has had every effect from teething I could imagine. She's had terrible diaper rash, lack of appetite, poor sleeping, fever, constipation, diarrhea, ear infections. You name it, she had it. Her teething began at about 5 or 6 months and wont end until all those teeth have popped through. She got her first 2 bottom teeth at around 7 months and has been popping them in 2 at a time ever since. We are now working on getting numbers 11 & 12 to break through. It has been a lot of sleeplessness and cranky baby but I have compiled a list of items that has helped make the process at least tolerable. I hope it helps!

Hylands Teething Tablets

These things are so amazing I do not know how I lived without them. They instantly dissolve under the baby's tongue and provide immediate relief. The part I absolutely love is that they are homeopathic! There are no funky ingredients that could potentially harm the baby. 

Munchkin Fresh Food Feeder

I am so glad another mommy introduced me to these little babies. They are perfect for teething! If your little one has not been introduced to solids yet, sticking an ice cube in there and letting the baby gnaw on it feels so good on their soon to be teeth. If you have introduced solids, feel free to freeze any fruit and put it in there. Lindsey loves frozen peaches and bananas the best. The mesh part is the feature I really love. I gave Lindsey these before she could have finger foods and the mesh prevents any seeds or chunks from getting through. 

Infant Tylenol

I use tylenol very sparingly. If Lindsey has a fever I will give her a small dose and it generally goes away in an hour. Also, for the nights she is just so unbelievably miserable I will give her a bit to ease her discomfort and pain. The teething tablets are great, but using the tylenol with them make for a comfortable baby that will actually sleep. And who doesnt want that?

Frozen Washcloths

Wet a soft washcloth and put it either in the fridge or freezer for a while to get nice and cold. The baby can hold it and just go to town. The cool cloth can really help their inflamed gums.

Cold Spoon

I used to sit Lindsey on my lap with 2 baby spoons and a glass of ice water. I would let the spoons soak and she would bite on them until they were not cold any more. Make sure to use soft tipped baby spoons, not metal grown up spoons. 

Vibrating Teether

I was so skeptical when I got this as a baby shower gift. I actually forgot I had it until I was cleaning the baby room and opened it right away. This little baby has two sides ideal for teething. One is a cool gel and the other is a harder surface that vibrates. Lindsey absolutely loves this. She will sit for minutes and just attack it. The vibration and cool surface help relieve swelling and discomfort. The size is also perfect for little baby hands. 

Teething Toys

Having a plethora of toys Lindsey ccan chew on is a definite must! During teething, she is constantly sticking everything she can in her mouth so its necessary to have baby friendly toys around. I strongly suggest against putting any of them in the freezer. They could pop as your baby goes to chew on them and all that gel would go everywhere, like in the babies mouth. The fridge gets them nice and cold and is very safe. I would recommend washing them every week or so depending on how much they are used. From being on the floor to the baby's mouth, its always nice to have them sanitized. 

A & D ointment

I use this as a diaper rash ointment religiously. It leaves no yucky residue and soothes the baby's bottom  immediately. It also heals the rash overnight in some cases. I really cannot say enough good things about this ointment. I have tried desitin, buttpaste and countless others but continuously return to this. Try it and you will know why.

Pinot Grigio

This is for the mommas. After a rough day of teething, pour yourself a glass of wine, say a prayer and get to bed! That little one will be up in an hour is they are anything like mine.

Well I hope this has helped all you mommas out there! Just know it will pass and you will get through it! Also I STRONGLY advise against using numbing gel. I have heard so many horror stories of the gel numbing the throat and the gag refluxes causing the baby to choke and not be able to swallow. I have never used it and will never use it because that scares me to death! Be watchful of them pulling at their hair or ears. It may mean an ear infection if a fever accompanies. Lindsey was pulling incessantly at her hair so I took her her in to get it checked. It was nothing so I did some research and the nerves of the jaw and gums are connected to the ear. That will cause discomfort and they will pull. Good luck :)