I have been wondering why it has been so hard for me to blog lately. Well actually all of 2013 I really struggled with sitting down and doing it. Yes I was busy but I know I had time. There had to be more to it. The other day as I was compiling my Christmas post it dawned on me. I hesitate to blog because I assume my life is inadequate for people to want to see.
I dont have a fancy camera.
I live with my parents and am raising my daughter on my own.
I am still waiting on the happily ever after.
I dont have the faith maturity to give sound advice.
I am still working to earn my degree after being in college since I was 17. Im 23 now.
I am not as creative as other people are.
I dont cook nearly as often as I used to.
My writing is not as eloquent or witty as other blogs I read.
This list could go on and on. I have been so caught up in what I don't have that I have forgotten what I do have. I found it hard to blog because I was constantly comparing myself to other bloggers who seemed to have more in life. I always ended up wanting more in my own life. Yet while I was editing my Christmas post I felt a huge sense of gratitude and gratefulness that my heart has been lacking. 2013 was a really hard year emotionally for me. My life was not in the place I wanted it to be or thought it should have been. I faced many hard days and struggled with my spiritual thirst. All of those material things I listed do not define me as a person. The only thing that can keep my content is my spiritual faith and relationship with God.
My pastor did a sermon a few months ago on spiritual thirst. The story of the samaritan woman in John 4 is one I can identify with. The woman has been fulfilling her needs with husbands to define and quench her spiritual thirst. Jesus tells the woman "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" John 4:13-14. After speaking more with Jesus, John writes that the Samaritan woman left her water jug to tell the people in the town of her encounter with the Christ (John 4:28). To me, her leaving the jug symbolized her leaving all of her shame and guilt from the past with it.
There have been times I have tried to quench my thirst with earthly things. However, when they are gone I am thirsty yet again. It isnt until I ask for God to fill me with his spirit, does my soul feel full. It is a daily process of spending time with God and in his presence that I feel close to him and my need for fulfillment by the earths standards is diminished.
So no I do not have all those things I listed above. But I have much more in my heart of hearts. What I have cannot be measured by others or society's measure of wealth. I have a relationship with my Lord and Savior and that to me is so much more. I now look at my life with an extreme amount of blessing and gratitude. The Lord has blessed me with far more than I deserve and I thank him everyday for that. I think it will be easier for me to be more honest and open with my life on here now that I am aware of my problem. I look back at my posts in 2012 and a lot of them were forced by someone who was trying to portray her life as happily ever after. It couldn't have been further from the truth. So now that is my sob story. But its the truth and what is life is you don't tell the truth?