Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Not So Humpty Dumpty

My life has done a 180 since 2013 started. The biggest change was moving out to Arizona. My relationship with Lindsey's dad ended. To spare you the nitty gritty details it boils down to one person being ready to be a parent and the other one not. Since then I have had to really rebuild my life. It took a while to realize how unhealthy the relationship was and how much my life needed to be out back in place. It was kind of like Humpty Dumpty, yet through the grace of God I was able to be put back together again.

When I first came out to Arizona I was lost. I started seeking mentorship through a program in my church called Stephen Ministries. It is a really amazing program designed to walk with people who are experiencing difficult challenges in life. I was paired up with an amazing woman named Lisa. She, like I now found myself, was a single mom. We met for an hour once a week and during that time I discovered many new things about myself and really began to heal. 

Lisa pointed out to me that during our first meetings I never once talked about anything that made me happy. As I thought about it she as right. My life for two years had revolved around making another person happy and for another year making two people happy. I never put myself first and I was okay with that but in the midst of it all I sort of lost myself. I defined myself as a mother, partner and student but who was I as a person? That is something I have been working to find the past couple months. Our roles as wives, girlfriends and mothers are without a doubt very important. But sometimes we get caught up in finding happiness for everyone else we forget to find it for ourselves. 

I have now started a new and exciting relationship, one that I look forward to pursuing every day. That relationship is with myself. I am rediscovering things that I love doing and starting doing new things that make me happy. I get together with my friends at least once a week, without the baby. GASP! I know I know but I think it is so important to get out and just be 22. It keeps me sane to have time with my girlfriends and not talk about dirty diapers or teething pains. I still fulfill all my roles as a mother for I know that is my most important duty. I am also going to the gym a few times a week and that workout is my time to clear my head and refocus my day. 

I am really enjoying getting to know myself again. I know it will be a long process to heal but I am making strides daily. I am a better mother and better person because of it. I really believe that God puts people in your life for all kinds of reasons. To challenge you, to strengthen you, and to change you. My relationship with Lindsey's dad has definitely changed me and for the better. I am stronger and really know what I want and deserve in a relationship. Lisa also came into my life at a time when I really needed strong christian guidance. She helped me realize that it wasn't selfish to put myself first once in a while and that my happiness was important as well as Lindsey's.

I have placed my life fully in God's hands and I know he will guide it with every breathe I take.

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