Monday, May 13, 2013

Moving On

Moving On.

Two Words.

Eight Letters.

Difficult to do.

When me and Lindsey first left Ohio and went to live with my parents in Arizona I was mad. I was hurt. I was frustrated. But I was not sad. I didn't cry. This was for the best. And I still know it was regardless of what the ninnies at the beauty shop gossip about. I was also super busy. My parents worked and I found myself as a real single mom. No one was supposed to be home helping me. I also was enrolled full time in online school. With a toddler. Yes I am crazy. And determined. But more on that later.

For the first few weeks I was here I was so focused on what he was doing. Who he was talking to or where he was going. It consumed me and angered me every time I found out new information. I had to make a choice. Either move on or let it drag me down. Besides a random Facebook message every month or so concerning the baby, we did not speak. He cancelled my phone so I got a new number. Which has turned out to be a blessing. I really began rebuilding myself. Or so I thought.

A month ago I received a Facebook message informing me he would be moving to a new place and my stuff would most likely be never seen again. (I left some belongings there with the hope he would get his act together and I would get my family back) Obviously that was not happening so within 3 days of that message I was on a plane to my past. I was consumed with anxiety. Not sure how the interaction would go or what would happen. I chose the element of surprise: a short 3 day trip and an early time to retrieve my belongings. I called his parents the morning I planned to get my things and they were willing to meet me. Luckily they had no harsh feelings toward me and were genuinely happy to see me.  I was in and out in 30 minutes flat. He of course called me every name I had already heard so it was not too different than how it was when I lived there. 

Here is the real kicker. There was a mousy girl in my bed. Using my pillow and blanket. She never picked her head up, probably out of fear because I am a terrifying beast. Besides the fact that it was incredibly disrespectful it was the part that hurt the worst. This was the home we had found while we were pregnant. The first place Lindsey ever called home. A place I built with love and the hope of a future. Granted it also held terrible memories, that dream in my heart was shattered. He had moved on. And now I needed to.

It isnt so much that I miss him. Or our relationship, obviously since it was a constant battle field. I miss what it could have been. What it should have been. The dream that my child would grow up with her parents together and making it against all odds. But this apparently was not his dream. He is much more content living the bachelor life. Drinking and finding comfort in the arms of other women

On the plane ride home to Arizona, I finally let myself cry. I hadn't really come to terms with the relationship ending but after that weekend, there was no going back. That was all the closure I needed to end that chapter in my life and start a new one. I feel like I am starting a whole new book. One where I place myself on a higher standard than before. One where I am letting God lead my life rather than trying, and failing, to plan it alone

It is a day to day process of rebuilding my heart. But I am getting there. Little things still take me back to that place but I am so ever grateful I am no longer there. The Lord has a plan for me greater than I could ever imagine. He has created a man that will be my other half in every way. His heart will be filled with the Lord and our relationship will begin based on our love for Jesus Christ

Until then I will stay focused on my faith, my daughter, my family, and my future. 

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